Modern Australian Tragedies: the collapsing pool

AMAZING XMAS GIFT IDEA
HERE NOW
VOID FILLER

MIRACLE PRODUCT - VOID FILLER

VOID FILLER

GREAT FOR MUM OR DAD
VOID FILLER

I LOVE A SUNBURNT COUNTRY
(with apologies to Dorothea Mackellar)

I love a sunburnt country
A land of sunburnt plains
Of sunburnt mountain ranges
Of droughts and sunburnt rains.
I love sunburnt horizons
I love her sunburnt sea
Her sunburn and her sunburn
This sunburnt land for me.

The Tao of John
(for David Hicks)

In order to be strong
Make somebody weak.
To be at the centre of the crowd,
Make somebody a lonely outcast
To gain extraordinary privilege,
Deny somebody their rights.

Sacrifice a man in the outer world.
Keep a man alone and tormented in a cage.
He will mirror the inner man you have sacrificed.
Thus pain will balance pain and end all feeling.
As you have controlled yourself,
So you shall control the world.

SPOOKY

Several Sydney gentlemen have reported that exactly one hour after Ian Thorpe announced his retirement from swimming, the elastic in their "Ian Thorpe" underpants snapped causing the garment to fall down inside their trousers.

Meanwhile, an Adelaide scientist is being plague by mysterious flat tyre problems in his attempt to cross the Nullabor Plain using the principle of magnetic attraction

His experimental vehicle "THE SPIRIT OF BEAZLEY" has magnets mounted along the driver's side and gains propulsion through a series of "towing effects" from passing steel vehicles.

The instability of the magnetic field however, is playing havoc with tyre pressures and the "SPIRIT OF BEAZLEY" has completed only one third of the distance - most of that on bare wheel rims - truely a baffling and amazing effort!

I HEART AMERICA

I HEART AMERICA BUT RUPERT IS A PAIN IN THE BUM

Rare Parrot Spotted after 130 years - ABC NEWS

The blue fronted fig parrot has been spotted at last - REJOICE

Yesterday the parrot held its first press conference.

"What is your message for humanity?"

Poor Mr. Lust - Persona non grata

Mr. Lust goes walking..

LUST BEGONE!

STOP IT
STOP IT
STOP IT

DOWN LUST, DOWN!

I SEE NOTHING
I FEEL NOTHING
I WANT NOTHING

That night, Mr. Lust goes to bed with his wife...

"YOU DON'T LUST AFTER ME ANYMORE..."

UP LUST, UP...PLEASE..

"MAYBE YOU NEED SOME OF THOSE MAN PILLS"

I'M SORRY LUST. PLEASE FORGIVE ME...COME HOME - I NEED YOU

Use-by dates - they come and go.
When it's yours, you're bound to know,
Life and love return anew
As everyone stop using you.

FOUR RAIN DANCES THAT ACTUALLY WORK

THE TRADITIONAL NAKED RAIN DANCE
This old favourite is a vigorous, free-form unsynchronized dance, best performed by large groups in daylight hours accompanied by chanting and drumming and is not unlike the tarantella.

THE PRIDE OF ERIN
This old classic can prove troublesome on uneven ground - in a paddock etc. - and is not notable successful for bringing moisture or anything else very much, but worth a try.

THE NUDE SAMBA
This fascinating drought breaker is best performed naked under a full moon on a warm night by couples - but caution is advised because lightning and flooding may suddenly occur.

THE BIG BANG
This is 100% guaranteed to bring rain. Another nude romp in a hornpipe/ho-down style, executed in a large public space, this reliable dance is a 12 hour marathon and can only be performed by four strictly specified people. The four dancers must be: the Prime Minister, the Attorney-General, the Treasurer and the Minister for Foreign Affairs. This will definitely bring relief to the nation.

THE "BLOKE BOOSTER" - A SHED FOR THE MODERN MAN.

NOW AT LAST, A SHED FOR THE MAN WHO LIVES IN A CITY APARTMENT.

BUILD YOUR OWN COFFEE TABLE MINI-SHED WITH THID D.I.Y KIT WHICH INCLUDES MINI CORRUGATED IRON SHEETS, MINI STEEL FRAMING, MINI CONCRETE SLAB PLUS MINI WORK-BENCH AND MINI TOOL SHELVES WITH MINI AM-FM RADIO RECEIVER.

A SATISFIED CUSTOMER TELLS:
"I was confused, frustrated and depressed until my wife gave me a Bloke Booster mini-shed. I sit and stare at it and soon my troubles are gone. It's a safe haven for my soul and since I've been going into my shed, confidence has returned and I've started to whistle again. Things have improved between me and my wife too - and I can hold my head up because I built it myself."

ACTUAL SIZE OF CORRUGATED IRON SHEETS (COLOURBOND, ZINCALUME OR GAL.)

"AT LAST, I'VE GOT MY OWN SHED"

IS THIS THE DEVIL?

YOUR SAY

That's not the devil - I'm the devil.
Bill - Noosa Heads.

That can't be the devil, me and my friend Alison are having an affair with the devil and we should know - although I must admit, we've never seen him without his mask on.
Marjorie - Adelaide.

I'm fed up with this "your say" rubbish - "your say, your say, your say" - it's everywhere, it's baloney!
Richard - Tweed Heads.

"Your say" is a big con job. It creates the illusion that somebody listens and cares but nobody gives a damn, it's all a load of cobblers for lonely babbling loudmouths with nothing better to do.
Aldo - Rushcutters Bay.

How come some people use "your say" to attack "your say"? Very interesting
Charlotte - Launceston.

Mummy, can we go to the park and see the wonders of Spring?

Yes my darling, we can go to the park and see the wonders of Spring.

Mummy, is this the park?

Yes my love, this is the park.

(CAR PARK 400 SPACES)

Mummy I can't wait to get to my favourite crack in the concrete to see if there's any new green shoots growing in it...

Sweehheart, I think a car might be parked over it.

Can you see the new green shoots my love?

Mummy, I can't see anything because oil has dripped on it...

Let me clean the oil off you my darling.

Spring is so beautiful, isn't it mummy...

Oh lovely Spring.
You're so left-wing;
Of that we can
be sure;
The sense you make,
for heaven's sake,
Is so opposed
to war.

SIMPSON AND HIS DONKEY WERE...
a vaudeville and circus act.
medical evacuation specialists.
a television situation comedy.

TRUE BLUE IS...
a washing powder.
a sentimental song.
a major pub brawl.

MATESHIP IS...
a vessel involved in raunchy pleasure cruises for singles.

a deep bond between males not involving procreation.

money awarded by a man to a woman enabling her to study his character and his sexuality.

A SUCKHOLE IS...
a dangerous rock formation at the beach.

a spaghetti restaurant in the outer suburbs.

THE GREAT OUTBACK IS...
a spinal injury which prohibits getting out of bed and going to work.

A BONDI SAUSAGE IS...
a fabulous claim made by a politician or newspaper columnist.

a military explosive device which makes a big blast but fails to have the desired effect.

an aphrodisiac drug that men use in nightclubs to spike their own drinks while nobody is looking.

WHEN THE OIL RUNS OUT. Q+A

Q. Maybe a donkey?
A. Certainly.

Q. Are donkeys much trouble?
A. Compared to humans they are very sweet.

Q. Do I have to stay on the road?
A. No, you can ride your donkey all over the place.

Q. Will it be fun?
A. It will be such fun, you'll love it.

It's O.K. to live in a failing state.
With a failing dog and a failing mate.
Failing hopes and failing home.
The failing garden, the failing gnome.

Failing ears and failing eyes.
The constant failure to be wise.
The failure to appreciate
That anything's wrong with the failing state.

DON'T SNEER AT THE COMMON DUST BATH; YOU MIGHT BE HAVING ONE SOONER THAN YOU THINK.

CHICKENS AND SPARROWS HAVE LONG KNOWN THE PLEASURE AND THERAPUTIC VALUE OF THE DUST BATH.

NAKED IS THE WAY TO GO. AND VIGOROUS TUMBLING ANF LIP-FLOPPING ABOUT IS THE RECCOMENDED ACTION.

A LONG, SLOW, NUDE DUST BATH ON A SUNNY AFTERNOON CAN BE A SENSUOUS AND EROTIC EXPERIENCE FOR COURTING COUPLES.

BE CAREFUL ON WINDY DAYS; CLOUDS OF DUST ARISING FROM YOUR BACK YARD CAN CREATE BAD FEELINGS IN THE NEIGHBOURHOOD.

WE MAY WELL BE RUNNING OUT OF WATER BUT WE ARE RICH IN DUST.

The car of the future will be chocolate powered.

THE DRIVER WILL EAT THE CHOCOLATE WHICH WILL PROVIDE ENERGY TO OPERATE THE PEDAL MECHANISM.

SIMPLE PEDAL CARS HAVE LONG BEEN IN EXISTENCE AS CHILDREN'S TOYS BUT AT LAST THEIR TIME HAS TRULY COME.

FUTURE WARS WILL BE FOUGHT OVER CHOCOLATE BARS AND COACO PLANTATIONS.

Dark chocolate will be used to power racing cars and hooligan vehicles.

DRIVERS OF THE FUTURE WILL HAVE PIMPLES AND BAD TEETH - AND MAGNIFICENT THIGHS!

Why would you want to be sane in a mad world? It will only cause you misery.

It's better to go mad. it's easier, and who knows, you could become powerful and influential.

Reverse psychotherapy can help you overcome this terrible block - this burden, this liability, quaintly known as sanity.

Television, radio and newspapers can also be cheap, effective and readily available forms of reverse psychotherapy.

You'll start to enjoy life again - the wars, the invasions, the justifications - they'll all seem normal, necessary and mature.

But be careful; bitter and twisted is the madness you need. Avoid dotty - it's for losers.

NO UNDERSTANDING ANY TIME

You can lead a horse to water
But you can't make it cheerful;
The bucket is full
But the horse is tearful.
So you give it a loving earful.
"What's up old fellah"" you say,
He looks at you and walks away.
Of course.
The dear old inner horse.

THE IMPORTANT QUESTION OF SUIT DISPOSAL

Although suits will not compost they can be used for mulching purposes - consequent rises in soil acidity may be offset with generous applications of lime.

Suits do not make successful scarecrows because birds do not appear to be intimidated by them.

A massive industrial operation has been established in Tasmania based on a new recycling process whereby men's suits are shredded, pulped and fermented ON A MASS SCALE then pressed under extreme high pressure to produce a durable and versatile building material known as "SUITBOARD". Large volumes of cheap electricity are required for this process.

A spectacular and attractive Hawaiian-style patio and garden torch can be made by wrapping a suit around the top of a broom handle, soaking it with kerosene and igniting. IDEAL for nocturnal pool parties and barbeques.

IMPRESS PEOPLE!
SUCCESS AND POWER WILL BE YOURS WHEN YOU WEAR THE NEW SENSATIONAL LYING RODENT TRACK SUIT

NOVELTY PARTY VERSION AVAILABLE.
WATCH THE LADIES SQUEAL!

HOW TO KEEP YOUR DIGNITY IN A CRASS AND VULGAR WORLD.

True dignity comes from integrity.

Integrity is a garden.

your dignity can be kept in a small, simple ceramic bowl.

The bowl can be kept in a quiet place in the garden.

If the bowl fills with rainwater or a bird tips it over - so much the better.

STOLEN PARTS

Oh where did you get those red rose lips,
So full and ripe and sweet?
They're made with the tissue found in the tips
Of a dead man's stolen feet.

And if you kiss me, should I be scared
Of the dead man's cold, grey toes?
Have no fear of these lips so red,
There's worse things in my nose.

Getting your LIFE in ORDER

The FLOOR is not a CLOSET.

The CLOSET is not a place to Live your Life.

YOUR LIFE IS NOT SUCH A MESS.

YOUR MESS is on the FLOOR.

The FLOOR is not a CLOSET.

SEVEN TYPES OF Ordinary HAPPINESS

SECRET HAPPINESS WHICH IS STEADY BUT BEAUTIFULLY DELICATE.

Three minutes of happiness borrowed from a dog.

TRADITIONAL LYING DOWN HAPPINESS.

The happiness which comes from staring at a rock.

HAPPINESS BLENDED WITH A MYSTERIOUS SADNESS.

The strange happiness associated with a meteorite or shooting star.

Diffuse, residual happiness resulting from rhythmic domestic tasks such as washing the dishes.

Who will get the last litre of petrol in the world?
And what will be the journey?

I like to think it will be a little old lady delivering Meals on Wheels. Let's call her, say, Mavis Mary Ryan.

Great crowds could gather along the route to wish her well and witness the end of an era.

And let's have a choir of a thousand voices singing "The Felafel Anthem".

You see, Mavis is bringing lunch to a frail old Muslim woman who came to the country as a refugee.

So now the petrol is gone - but Mavis doesn't mind the walk back home - and there are still vast reserves of love and falafel left in the world.

If I could be a lovely chap
Life would fall into my lap
And all my words would sound so nice
You'd want to hear me say them twice.

But what I want to say to you
Is only what I think is true
And so, alas, I'll always be
A rather unattractive me.

NO DISRESPECT INTENDED - HOWEVER...

IT IS WIDELY ACCEPTED THAT THE RANK OF PRIME MINISTER IS THE LOWEST POSITION IN THE LAND.

THAT'S BECAUSE THE PRIME MINISTERSHIP FALLS TO THE PERSON MOST WILLING TO APPEAL TO THE LOWEST APPETITES OF THE POPULATION IN ORDER TO WIN THE LARGEST NUMBER OF VOTES.

IT'S WIDELY UNDERSTOOD THAT ONLY A PERSON OF VERY LOW CHARACTER WOULD DO SUCH A THING.

SO HOW DOES ANY PRIME MINISTER STEP DOWN FROM POWER WHEN ALREADY HE HAS STOOPED AS LOW AS A MAN CAN GO?

THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NOWHERE LEFT TO STEP DOWN TO.

THE ONLY POSSIBLE STEP IS UP.

AND FOR A PRIME MINISTER TYPE OF PERSON, THAT IS A HUGE MOUNTAIN TO CLIMB.

MAIL

REKINDLE YOUR PASSION

IMPROVE YOUR LOVE LIFE

PLEASURE
CONFIDENCE
HAPPINESS
ALL NIGHT LONG

MAKE IT BIGGER
SIZE MATTERS
LARGE IS GOOD

WE'RE TALKING ABOUT YOUR SOUL

AUTUMN SPECIAL: SOME OLD LEAVES REVEAL THEIR SECRETS FOR A LONG LIFE.

"Work hard, do your photosynthesis daily and don't expect any congratulations"

"Unto thine own self be true."

"location, location"

"Better to have loved and lost then never to have loved at all"

"I loved the wind. I had a wonderful relationship with the wind."

"On a warm summer night, rustle gently, rustle passionately and rustle often."

SMITH + SONS
PURVEYORS OF FINE PETROLS

The art of wallowing is too much neglected yet it is such a profound, innocent and reliable pleasure...

...and such a sweet and noble means of knowing the soul's mysterious truth.

METHOD:
Take 20 KG. of tapioca (sago), soak ovenight until sticky, gluggy consistency is achieved.

Transfer lukewarm mixture to bathtub, remove clothing and begin wallowing.

Roll slowly about in tapioca (sago) for 2-3 hours groaning occasionally with pleasure.

Now see how the world's depravity recededs from the heart. See how truth rushes in to fill the anxious, aching void.

Let the day go...WITH SAGO!

Cole Inquiry Victory Celebration Limited Edition Easter Chocolate Souvenir Offer

YUMMY HAND CRAFTED BOXED SET, EACH CHOCOLATE BEARING THE PRIME MINISTER'S FACE MOULDED TO PERFECTION FOR YOUR COMPLETE SATISFACTION

Father, how come you've got a barcode on your forehead?

Yesterday I read the newspaper.

It sucked the life out of me.

A feeling of gloomy bitterness and futility dragged me to the floor.

The dog came and began to lick my face.

After about five minutes of licking, hope started to return to my body;

...not much, but enough for me to be able to slowly sit up and say, "good dog".

Scientists Discover "Lost world"

SCIENTISTS DISCOVER "LOST WORLD", LOVELY WORLD, WORLD OF WISDOM.

GENTLE SOULS, GLORIOUS PEOPLE, HUMBLE, PEACEFUL, LOVING PEOPLE, SWEETHEARTS, EVERY ONE.

BRIGHT, SIMPLE, NATURAL SPIRITS. TRUTHFUL PEOPLE. MUSICAL PEOPLE; LOVELY, LOVELY, LOVELY CREATURES

SCIENTISTS DISCOVER "LOST WORLD". SCIENTISTS MAKE SECRET PACT. SCIENTISTS TURN AND WALK AWAY. AWAY AWAY AWAY AWAY.

EXHIBIT 'B', A PHOTO OF THE DICTATOR, SADDAM HUSSEIN, EVEN AT THE MOMENT OF HIS DOWNFALL, PUTTING OUT HIS HAND TO TAKE A BRIBE FROM THE AUSTRALIAN WHEAT PEOPLE...

Our auntie Sheryl is a very patriotic woman who washes her Australian flag every week. Recently, whilst ironing the flag, she became distracted and scorched it right over the southern cross. Can she be charged with burning the flag? She has gone into a terrible decline and has become a sad and frightened, guilt stricken shadow of her former self.
-B.S. , Queensland
ANSWER:
The court will probably show clemency provided, of course, she has a good lawyer.

Our Grandpa, a WW2 veteran, has just passed away and his final wishes were that he be sent off with an Aussie flag beside him in his coffin - and also that he be cremated. What is our legal position regarding flag burning? What is our highest patriotic duty here? It seems we are damned if we do and damned if we don’t.
-S.T. , Launceston
ANSWER:
You could wrap the flag in aluminium foil before placing it next to Grandpa and simply hope for the best. At least you can say you acted in good faith and did what you could to protect it.

During the invasion of Iraq, our family became ashamed of being Australian and put our national flag in the bottom of a dark cupboard. Now we discover that the moths and silverfish have eaten it full of holes. It’s in absolute tatters and well beyond repair. Is there a process by which we can legally burn it? The fabric is infested with silverfish eggs which we understand can only be destroyed by burning.
-D.S. , Canberra
ANSWER: You will have to pick the silverfish eggs out using a magnifying glass and a pair of tweezers.

I’m sick of hearing the Prime Minister going on about shed values. I love my shed. What would he know about shed values?
-P. O’Toole, Melbourne
ANSWER:
It seems you have misheard him. The Prime Minister was talking about shared values: a concept radically opposed to shed values.

KEEP ON SMILIN'

REPORT ALL NEGATIVE THOUGHTS TO THE AUTHORITIES

INTROVERSION IS THE FIRST SIGN OF EVIL

...perhaps I can talk gently to my depression and find out where it's coming from...

Youre trying to JUSTIFY IT!!
HAND WRINGING AND APPEASING IS A SIGN OF MORAL COWARDICE! YOU MUST FIGHT IT LIKE A MAN!

Honey-pie, I'd like us to get into cleaner technology. I think you should wash the vehicle when we get home.

MEMORIAL EULOGY

"...it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle...

...than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God"

Leftists, as usual, take a negative view of these words.

Like all nay-sayers and hand-wringers they want the camel to cut and run.

But the camel will stay the course, finish the job and go through the eye of the needle.

And God will be liberated as the rich men enter his kingdom bringing justice, democracy and economic reform.