I got a leak from God
It said "You're just a clod.
You're not a precious gem.
You'll never be like them:
Godwin, Malcolm, Kevin."

I turned my eyes to heaven
And whispered "thankyou God,
For making me a clod."

I had a strange and happy thought;
It was my own;
But oh, it's time was all too short
And it has flown.

Into a world that's all at sea;
No place to land,
Happy thought come back to me
And hold my hand.

Excerpts from THE MELANCHOLY COOKBOOK

MODERN AUSTRALIA STEW.

INGREDIENTS:
One ripe English celebrity chef.
One Australian female television journalist.
One fresh Australian Prime Minister.
A large scoop of media commentators.
A large bunch of talkback radio callers.
A mixed bag of newspaper letter writers.

PREPARATION:
Place all ingredients in a large, shallow container and let it stand. No stove is required as this recipe generates its own heat. After one or two days the stew will have cooked to perfection.

SERVING SUGGESTIONS:
This easy stew actually serves itself and you will be amazed at how long it lasts and how far it goes.

The graph that said too much.

Oooo...

Oh, you poor thing. What happened?

I hurt my back.

Oh dear. Don't be too glum. Try to lift up your heart.

How did you do it?

I was trying to lift my heart but it was too heavy.

Life, Love and Happiness. Last words from Autumn Leaves, 2009

How do you think I feel? I work hard all my life producing good oxygen and these humans come along and use it for car racing? Can you believe it?

I'm sorry. I can't talk. It's too difficult to explain. You wouldn't understand.

Life has been good, but I've heard the compost heap is pretty good too... and totally unpretentious.

I had a passionate love affair with a parrot... then he just hops onto another branch and flies away. Now look at me! But still, it was nice while it lasted. He was so sexy.

I hung out with a bunch of grapes all my life. What a hoot! Grapes are such fun! These wrinkles are from laughing....

I achieved serenity, balance and wisdom... and... ummm... something else, but I can't remember what it was. Damn it. How infuriating!

You've got all the classic symptoms Mrs. O'Toole: the carefree, sleepy feeling, the involuntary laughter, the pleasant, warm tingling sensation in your buttocks...
It's the pumpkin flu.

The Great Divide - The HAVES and the HAVE-NOTS

Those who HAVE a twinkle in their eye

Those who HAVE NOT got a twinkle in their eye.

Those who have sung in the moonlight in a forest glade with tears of happiness upon their cheeks.

THOSE WHO HAVE NOT.

Those who HAVE run off with the gipsies and danced rapturously and feasted and slept in their arms and still have sweet memory of it.

THOSE WHO HAVE NOT.

AND JUST REPEATING;
Those who HAVE a twinkle in their eye.

Those who HAVE NOT.

This fellow is a people smuggler.

He has a man stuffed inside his shirt!

The situation is tense and difficult for both of them.

In spite of his extreme discomfort, the smuggled man must remain still and quiet to avoid detection.

In spite of his secret burden, the smuggler must act in a normal inconspicuous manner to avoid arousing suspicion.

How long can this go on?!!

So because I can't buy
A house of my own,
I still call Australia HOME...

HELL

Hell has a very large mechanical roof which can be closed to block out the good weather.

Hell has a vast, open, central area of lush, green grass and you're not allowed on it.

Hell has plastic seats from which you may look at the forbidden grassy area - or you may choose to look at it while standing on concrete or steel. You have a choice.

Hell has restaurants, bars, nightclubs, retail outlets, cafes, underground car parks and many corporate boxes...

- all with television screens showing the untouchable green green grass.

The tiers of hell can also be moved mechanically and can handle large volumes of people quietly and efficiently. The road to Hell is paved with good inventions.

MORE DRINKING

SLEEPY CREEK PINOT NOIR

FRUIT DRIVEN. THE NOSE IS PILLOWS, SHEETS, BLANKETS. IN THE MOUTH IT IS SOFT AND WARM WITH GOOD SUPPORT. A NICELY SPRUNG WINE WITH A SLOW FINISH.

EMPTY PADDOCK CHARDONNAY

FRUIT DRIVEN.
BREEZY AROMAS OF DRY GRASS, GRANITE BOULDERS, FENCE POSTS, MUSHROOMS AND THISTLES. THE PALATE IS BROAD, UNDULATING WITH SOME LIGHT CLOUDS AT THE FINISH - WITH A LONE COW AND A RABBIT.

BLACK HOLE ESTATE LATE PICKED SHIRAZ

FRUIT DRIVEN. WILD BUSTING VAPORS OF ROTTING KAPOK, OLD BOOKS, MELTED LIPSTICK. BURNT TOAST AND CAR UPHOLSTERY. IN THE MOUTH THERE IS THE SOFT SLIPPERY SENSATION OF A TONGUE WHICH IS POINTY AT THE FINISH.

WINE WRITER'S TUNNEL CLASSIC NOUVEAU '99

FRUIT DRIVEN
FRUIT DRIVEN
FRUIT DRIVEN
BANANAS, COCNUTS, PAW PAWS, PINEAPPLES, CHOCOLATE, MINT, TOFFEE, TOBACCO, KIT-KAT, MARS BARS, COFFEE, PARKING FINES, LOVE LETTERS ...AND...UMM...
FRUIT DRIVEN!

Mars is moving away from the earth...

What a good idea.

It's not going to win you any prizes Leonardo. There's something odd about the smile that fails to capture her terrifying journey through drug and alcohol addiction...

Good heaven's!
The earth has gone pear-shaped...

WHAT GLOOM IS THAT? A GUIDE TO THE GLOOMS.

COMMON HOUSE GLOOM
...a popular and reliable gloom imported from England.

"THE BAD BLANKET"
...a creeping nocturnal gloom causing insomnia and paralysis

"THE BROWN BANANA"
...a cocooning gloom causing a curved downward stoop.

"THE SLUG"
...a slow, heavy, dragging sort of gloom.

"THE DOUBLE MATTRESS"
...an unwieldy, exhausting gloom for two.

"THE GREY CONSTELLATION"
...a group of frightening glooms in orbit around a person in a spin.

NATIONAL INFRASTRUCTURE

THE DULL CUBE PROJECT
A giant concrete cube for every town, city and suburb in the land.

THE ARCH OF NOTHING.
Gateway type arches on a grand scale to be constructed in civic spaces across the Nation.

THE NATIONAL TOOTHPASTE GRID
A pipeline looping around the continent to deliver toothpaste to every bathroom in Australia.

THE SOLAR SAUSAGE SIZZLER PROJECT.
Sausage sizzle panels to be installed on every rooftop in the land.

"A respectful no"
Is the way to go
For your average, new-age toff
When he wants to say
In the age-old way
"A respectful bugger off".

SELF-COMPOST

TOO MUCH HAS BEEN MADE OF GROWING BIG AND STRONG

BUT WHO UNDERSTANDS THE JOY OF LETTING YOUR LIFE BREAK DOWN?

THIS PROCESS IS CALLED 'SELF-COMPOSTING'. It means turning your mind and your entire situation into a compost heap.

Onto this heap everything goes; everything belongs there: the achievements, the disasters. Memories, anxieties... THE LOT.

The stories, the hopes, the wounds, the jokes, socks, trousers and sentimental objects. Decomposing down into SIMPLE DARK MATTER.

SUCH WONDERFUL STUFF, this simple dark matter - rub it on your skin, sprinkle a bit on the garden mix with a little watter and paint a picture with it.

VERSATILE AND BEAUTIFUL SDM: Simple Dark Matter.

Angels caught in nets

BUSH TO AWARD MEDAL OF FREEDOM TO HOWARD

Hey, your medals of freedom are showing...

...you got a problem with my tee shirt?

(I bomb Gaza)

What tee shirt? I can't see any tee shirt.

(I heart New York)