Honey, I can explain, those photocopies... it was one of those stupid office Christmas party things... somebody got a bit high spirited and sat on the photocopier with no knickers on and a few copies were made of their bottom... it's just a Christmas joke.

Yes Alan, but it's YOUR bottom!

If this world should worsen,
A sulphur crested person
Is what I want to be;
I'd fly into a tree
And do some squawking,
Now that normal talking
Cannot express
Feelings of such dreadfulness;
And all my failed beseeching
Would turn to screeching.

...the bride and groom will now accompany me to the vestibule to sign their performance contracts.

He found God.

God spoke to him.
God said, "help me, I'm wounded"

God lay bleeding on the ground.

"You're not God" said the man. "God is ALL-POWERFUL"

"I am all-vulnerable" said God. "I am in pain. I am at your mercy."

These words were so unbearable to the man; so infuriating, that he finished God off right there and then.

THE TOWERS OF BABBLE

For every hill there is a tower.
For every dill there is the power
To send the message crisp and clear:
"You are there and I am here...
And aint that just AMAZING!"
And where the heart was gently grazing
On the wild, sweet horizon,
There are metal towers to hurt your eyes on.

What's the difference between "anal retentive" and "political conservative"?

"Anal retentive" is the book and "political conservative" is the movie.

29th Sonnet

When, in disgrace with fortune and men's eyes,
I all alone beweep my outcast state
And trouble deaf heaven with my bootless cries
And look upon myself and curse my fate,
Wishing me like to one more rich in hope,
Featured like him, like him with friends possess'd.
Desiring this man's art and that man's scope.
With what I most enjoy contented least;
Yet in these thoughts myself almost despising,
Haply I think on thee, and then my state,
Like to the lark at break of day arising
From sullen earth, sings hymns at heaven's gate;
For thy sweet love remember'd such wealth brings
That then I scorn to change my state with Kings.

WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE

Public Service Announcement
WARNING!
IT'S OFFICIAL:
app. 47% of Australians now believe in:
* Telling lies as a means to personal advancement and success.
* The killing of innocent people to bring about social change.
* Hypocrisy as an attractive personal quality.
SO WATCH OUT
BE ALERT BUT NOT ALARMED

I have this horrible feeling that John Howard would get more votes if he'd promised to bomb the old growth forests instead of just promising to log them...

Anti-terror poster draws flak from community groups

The Prime Minister has been labelled, "...a kinky Viagara-driven idiot" following the release this week of the government's latest anti-terror initiative: a poster (right) featuring Mr. Howard as a brazen society matron. Women's groups have called the poster "sexist", transvestite support groups declared it irresponsible and a pearling industry spokesperson issued an angry condemnation saying the poster "was not helpful". The "idiot" comment came from a senior Anglican Church official who said that, "...while Australian families are doing it hard the Prime Minister flaunts his jewels, his finery and his decadent lifestyle at the taxpayer's expense". The Prime Minister is standing firm on the issue. "I'm not sorry, I'm not apologising and I'll do it again if I get the chance!" he said defiantly.

"HOWARD" FIGHTING VEHICLE MK2 UNVEILED

The new improved "Howard" Fighting Vehicle Mk2 (pictured below right) was unveiled in Kapooka this week. This deadly power-pack (code-named "The Beast") will be manned by the crack new Australian unit, "Johnnie's Raiders" to spearhead a daring programme of pre-emptive strikes against Asian terror camps. Deesigned to deliver awesome, lethal force into the enemy back yard and catch him with his pants down, the Mk2 includes all the hi-tech features of the Mk1 (pictured below left) but will feature an improved central body hinge for enhanced zig-zagging plus some reworking of teh duco on the bonnet panel. Inset photograph shows the Prime Minister at the controls. "This is our knockout punch in the war against terror" he said.

VENERABLE, BLESSED AND SAINTLY CREATURES

St. Bess of the compassionate gaze. Canonized for her work among the urban depressed and for the miracles associated with her healing eyes. St. Bess was never known to speak in her entire life

The Venerable Roger of the cobblestones. For one half of his life, Roger of the cobblestones lived a life of utter depravity. Then for the other half, he devoted himslef to prayer and contemplation: Prayer and contemplation by day; utter depravity by night.

The most Blessed Waldo the innocent of Yarraville. Waldo, the gasworks canary, was beatified for his devotion to liturgical and sacred music, in spite of being cruelly incarcerated for life.

St. Marjorie of Gippsland. She lived on prickles and weeds yet achieved serenity and managed to nourish the weary multitudes with her miraculous abundance of cream and milk. Marjorie was martyred late in life as a result of a deal between her owner and a pet food manufacturer.

HOW TO ACQUIRE AND CARE FOR YOUR LITTLE MAN

A LITTLE MAN IS A WONDERFUL COMPANION AND CAN BE PURCHASED FROM ANY REPUTABLE PET SHOP.

WHEN CHOOSING A LITTLE MAN FROM A BATCH, SELECT THE MOST BOISTEROUS: THE ONE WHO PUSHES THE OTHERS ASIDE AS HE RUSHES TO GREET YOU

LIFT HIM FROM THE PEN AND PLACE HIM ON THE SHOP FLOOR FOR OBSERVATION. LOOK FOR THE FOLLOWING: A NICE BRIGHT PRANCE, PLAYFUL AGGRESSION AND RESPONSIVENESS TO AFFECTION.

UPON GETTING YOUR LITTLE MAN HOME ALLOW HIM TO EXPLORE HIS NEW TERRITORY AND GIVE HIM A NAME, PREFERABLY WITH TWO SYLLABLES.

IF HE CRIES IN THE NIGHT GIVE HIM A HOT WATER BOTTLE. DON'T CHASTISE HIM UNDULY, AFTER ALL HE'S JUST A LITTLE MAN

TAKE HIM FOR A WALK, TALK TO HIM, LOOK AFTER HIM; HE'LL REWARD YOU WITH MANY HAPPY YEARS OF LOYAL COMPANIONSHIP.

John Howard home by Christmas

What a relaxed and comfortable thought.

HAVING TROUBLE GETTING AN ELECTION?

CALL 1800 2332

Ian Thorpe I am not.
Yet there's something I have got
Which gives a man a better chance:
Ian Thorpe underpants!

They're navy blue. They're fantastic!
With Ian's name on the elastic.
I hitch them up to indicate
That Thorpie is my closest mate.

If I fall beneath a bus,
At least I know there'll be a fuss;
In Casualty they'll sing and dance,
"Ian Thorpe underpants!"

The 3 A.M. WAKEUP

Yet again
You wake at 3 A.M.
THE HOUR OF BLACK TRUTH

While you were sleeping
All meaning has collapsed.
Now only darkness exists.

Poor little plankton of the night,
You have been swallowed
By the great whale of DOOM.

Down, down. Down you go
Into SHEER FUTILITY.
"It's all impossible", you groan.
Then you disintegrate
Into unconsciousness.

7.30 A.M.
Finds you at the table
Reconstructing your personality
Rebuilding civilization.
This takes half an hour.

At eight o'clock,
Like a prayer,
The cup of tea rises
To your lips.
A bird sings.
The whale of doom
Is now a sardine on toast.

SO... IS THE GLASS HALF BROKEN OR IS THE GLASS HALF FIXED?

GOOD MORNING
I saw a film called... "Good Morning".

I'M JUST WISHING YOU GOOD MORNING.
I saw a film called "WISHING YOU".

HOLY HELL. HOW BIZARRE.
"HOLY HELL" is an Italian art movie. I saw it.

...and "BIZARRE" was a documentary film made in London the sixties.

Also, the expression on your face reminds me of someone in a Woody Allen film.

Hey, you run just like the guy in "Chariots of Fire". Hang on. Now you're running like Peter O'Toole in "Lawrence of Arabia" when he was on top of the train after the massacre scene.

What ruined your life?
I was abused by a priest when I was a child.

What happened?
He told me to be forgiving and humble and not to talk bullshit...

And what's the problem with that?
The problem is that I took him seriously.

He took advantage of your innocence!
RUINED MY LIFE...!!!
...I could have been the Prime Minister or something...

Some couples
are the salt of the earth,
Some
are the salinity;
But the salt and pepper
shaker couples:
The achieve...
DIVINITY.

"Our armies do not come into your cities and lands as conquerors or enemies, but as liberators. Your wealth has been stripped of you by unjust men... The government of Iraq, and the future of your country, will soon belong to you... We will end a brutal regime... so that the Iraqis can live in security."

General F.S. Maude, commander of the British forces, to the people of Mesopotamia, 1917

WELCOME TO CURLY FLAT A GOATED COMMUNITY

The noble Apache people were brutally crushed by the American invaders...

... who took away their land and named a helicopter after them.

The Apache helicopter is now used to invade... and to crush people and take their land.

But in the name of democracy of course, and all under the name of Freedom, and all with the name of the noble, insurgent Apache...