WHY ARE WE HERE?

WE ARE HERE FOR THE FOLLOWING REASONS:

TO EAT UP THE PLANET.

TO HEAT UP THE PLANET.

TO BEAT UP THE PLANET.

TO BE ATTRACTIVE.

TO FEEL TERRIBLY SAD AND TO WEEP AT UNEXPECTED MOMENTS.

...MORE AS IT COMES TO HAND.

I must go down to the sea again
Before it rises up to me;
Before the ice caps start to melt
And spoil the loungeroom underfelt;
Oh dearie, dearie me;
I must go down to the sea.

Dad! You just did a greenhouse gas. I heard it.

It was the dog.

THE HALL OF FAME

FAME RESEARCH CLINIC AND REHABILITATION CENTER

THE AUSTRALIAN GREETING "HOW ARE YOU GOING, MATE?" ORIGINATED IN SYDNEY AMONGST MALE CONVICTS OF THE FIRST FLEET. IT WAS NOT A GREETING IN ITS ORIGINAL FORM, BUT A QUERY RELATING TO THE SHORTAGE OF "AVAILABLE" WOMEN.

How are you going to mate?

Damned if I know. How are YOU going to mate? Perhaps we can improvise.

THROUGH WEARINESS AND INDIFFERENCE THE "TO" WAS SOON DROPPED AND THE QUERY BECAME A COMMON UTTERANCE OF GRIM RESIGNATION: "HOW ARE YOU GOING, MATE?" - A TIRED, MINDLESS RITUAL ACKNOWLEDGING A SHARED BURDEN OF FRUSTRATION AND MISERY.

The second most frequently asked question in the colony related to the anticipation of death.

How are you going?

I've given up hope of going peacefully in my sleep so I might throw myself off a cliff. How are YOU going?

THESE FRANK AND DISTURBING QUESTIONS PASSED INTO POPULAR LANGUAGE DISGUISED AS BANAL GREETINGS. TO THIS DAY AN UNDERLYING, FORLORN RESONANCE EVOKING DEATH AND LONELINESS IS USUALLY PRESENT IN THE VOICING OF THESE GREETINGS - IN SPITE OF GLIB DELIVERY.

"OWYAGOIN MATE"
"OWYAGOIN"

Currently there appears to be a revival of the questions in their original forms and with their original meanings.

HOW ARE YOU GOING TO MATE?

I'D RATHER TALK ABOUT HOW I'M GOING BECAUSE I'VE THOUGHT ABOUT IT A LOT LATELY.

You see these appalling same-socks couples, getting about in the shopping mall;

He's got green socks,
She's got green socks.
OH YUK!

The next day, in the coffee shop - there they are again: the same-socks couple; grinning like hyenas!

This time they're both wearing RED socks. It's so depressing.

There they are - as large as life; making a complete mockery of couples who wear different socks.
SO FLAGRANT, SO CAREFREE, AND SO DEEPLY INFURIATING.

AND GUESS WHAT?!! THE GOVERNMENT COULDN'T GIVE A DAMN. IT'S A DISASTER!

SOUVENIRS OF THE POPE

SOUVENIRS OF GOD

Isn't it awesome to see the heterosexual Anglican Archbishop of Sydney on his way to work...

The world has got economic jitters.

You can feel it; shaking, rattling, vibrating.

Things are wobbly. Things are jittery. Oh dear...what to do?

It's time to stop jittering with the world. It's time to find your own personal jitter and jitter in your own unique little way.

As the world jitters to its beat, you can jitter to the off-beat...jitter and counter-jitter.

These two opposing jitters offset each other's energy and momentum, and the shake it neutralised. THUS YOU ACHIEVE CALM.

ANGER.

YOUR ANGER.
(on a good day)

TAKING ANGER FOR A WALK WITH THE DOG.

LIVING IN AN ANGRY WORLD.

USING A BIG ANGER TO CLIMB OVER A HIGH WALL.

ANGER WITH MOON AND FLOWERS.

There they were in the doctor's waiting room; each with their own sickness.

Bob with his bobolosis.
Emma with emmaditis.
Peter with peterenteritis.

Freda with fredamania.
Mavis with mavis fever.
Harry with harry's syndrome.

Each of them suffering from being who they are: each seeking a cure for the ordinary oddness of existence.

But alas, the doctor can't see anyone today. He's slumped in his chair suffering from actue doctorphobia.

There is no cure for anyone. Eventually everyone becomes FULL BLOWN.

STOP DESEXUALIZING OLD HORNBAGS

NEGLECTED PORNSTAR WIZENED BUT WICKED

S S S S SOFT SAGGY SIZZLING SEX

SOCIETY FOR THE SEXUALIZATION OF SENIORS

I really can't see the point of life...

It's not pointy. It's round and soft...

Mister Swan met Mister Drake
In the moonlight, on the lake.
Said Mister Drake "I'd like to peck
A little love bit on your neck"
Said Mister Swan "With a neck like mine,
You could give me twenty-nine,
Or thirty-five or sixty-four
And then perhaps a little more."
"Sounds good to me" said Mister Drake
In the moonlight, on the lake.

Family Drinking Patterns

Daughter Emily is a BINGE drinker: she drinks alcohol at parties.

Mother is a CRINGE driinker: she pretends she doesn't like alcohol, but she really likes it a lot.

Father is a WHINGE drinker: He drinks alcohol and starts grizzling and being grouchy.

Son Jack is a SPONGE drinker: he soaks it up effortlessly in vast, amazing quantities.

Daughter Melissa is a LUNGE drinker: she grabs it desperately whenever she can.

Son James is a GRUNGE drinker: he drinks cheap wine at band practice or in the park.

We're not here to produce motherhood statements...

What a pity, because there's a lot of confusion recently about what motherhood actually is.

LOST

OUR COCKATIEL, "ALAN"

Alan is a divine little man. He flew out the window on Friday, April 11. He will sit on your finger, but gets excited and will bite; but only very softly.

REWARD "We miss you Alan Please come home"

HAVE YOU SEEN OUR BELOVED "KEVIN"?

Kevin is our 3 Y.O. Cockatiel. He loves to sit on your head. He flew out the door last Saturday (April 12th). If you whistle and nod your head he will say "DIRTY BUGGER, DIRTY BUGGER"

BIG REWARD OFFERED

MISSING

"JULIA" COCKATIEL

Julia is our beautiful bird and she flew out the car and went towards the park on Sunday 13th APRIL. Julia can be approached and loves to talk and will dance on your finger.

BIG REWARD

FAMILY MEMBER LOST

"KYLIE"

Our darling cockatiel flew up the chimney last Monday (14-4-08) leaving us devastated with worry and grief. CHILD'S PET.

IF YOU SEE KYLIE, STAND STILL AND SHE WILL CLAMBER UP YOUR TROUSERS.

SUBSTANTIAL REWARD OFFERED

If I could change Australian rules, if I could make a plan,
I'd take three dozen footballs and give one to each man;
I'd place three dozen sets of posts with a maximum of clearance,
So each man kicks a feast of goals without interference.

And I'd make each game ten hours long with a minimum of rest
And let them score until they're sore
And let the crowd all yell and roar
Until the whole thing seems a bore
And furthermore, until they've got the whole thing off their chest.

What is this life?

Life is a holiday on earth.

You arrive at your holiday destination and there to meet you, wearing a big smile, is your host and guide.

"Hello, I'm your mum; I'll get you started and show you around. Would you like some milk?"

The accommodation is a bit unusual but it's clean and comfortable - it's your body; quite a good base for existence.

"I'll just personalise it and it will feel like home"

You study some maps, go for a bit of an explore and soon you're getting the hang of it. The place is full of holiday makers and before too long you're having a holiday romance! And why not?!

Life is an interesting place to visit; quite enjoyable and well worth the experience but you wouldn't want to be there too long. You would always feel like a bit of an outsider.

Holidays on earth can be wonderful and horrible, but regardless, it's always a bit sad when they come to an end. And always a good feeling to know that you're returning home to where you really belong; all refreshed and with some lovely holiday memories.

BRAINSTORM '08 CANBERRA

We thank you for your presentation Professor McLintock, but you haven't explained how the nation is going to benefit from these solar powered bagpipes...

OH I'M SORRY. I STOOD ON YOUR TOE...

I'M SO SORRY. I SHOULD WATCH WHERE I'M GOING. I'M SORRY.

YOU'RE MAKING ME FEEL LIKE A VICTIM.

OH NO. OH DEAR. I'M SORRY.

YOU'RE FORCING ME INTO VICTIMHOOD. OH DEAR. I'M SO, SO SORRY...

YOU'RE MAKING IT WORSE. YOU'RE VIOLATING MY IDENTITY. I NEVER SAW MYSELF AS A VICTIM...UNTIL YOU CAME ALONG...

I'M SO STUPID. KICK ME IN THE HEAD. PLEASE KICK ME.

KICK ME HARD. OH PLEASE, PLEASE DO IT...BUT DON'T HURT YOUR TOE...I'VE ALREADY HURT IT ENOUGH.

THIRD YEAR NATIONAL ANTHEM STUDIES. Assignment 1. Write the first verse of a national anthem for Australia using a red typeface and employing exactly fifty-four words.

4.5/10 POOR EFFORT

An unreported event.

DON'T GET SO UPSET.
IT'S ONLY A GAME.
IT'S THE GOOD GUYS VERSUS THE BAD GUYS.

Magnificent fireworks display on the bridge the other night Bob...