The world record for nude oil painting is held by Jose Raphael O'Toole of West Footscray in Victoria.

Using four nude models, O'Toole painted the reclining figures onto the head of a match.

Using a magnifying glass and a brush made with a single squirrel hair, O'Toole completed the work in one gruelling twenty-six hour operation.

Unfortunately the masterpiece was accidentally destroyed when the artist lit up a cigarette while relaxing with the models over a glass of wine at the end of the session.

Santa, Santa in your sleigh,
Coma and take my toys away
While I'm sleeping in my cot
Visit me and take the lot.

Santa, Santa set me free,
Clear an open space for me;
Me and all the girls and boys
Buried under heaps of toys.

Santa, Santa with your sack,
Come and take some plastic back;
Take it back and in it's place,
Leave a little breathing space.

And you will find a lowly stable and a baby lying in a manger..

..and you will take control of the situation and impose security measures

..and you will sanitise and disinfect everything and get rid of the animals which are a health risk..

..and you will gather statistical data and connect the electricity and install central heating

..and you will introduce democracy and teach the parents to better themselves in a new global economy

And you will show the child how to invest and be a winner with positive attitudes and good contacts and good advice...

and if they resist...if they resist, call this number....report the situation

...and wait until a team of experts arrive

So long as lowly stables exist there can be no peace on earth...

Unto us a saviour will be born and you will find him lying in a manger and he will be of Middle Eastern appearance.

ORDER IN THE COURT PLEASE GENTLEMEN; YOU'LL ALL GET YOUR TURN...IN ONE WAY OR ANOTHER.

Gallipoliraqnam

We're not going to cut and run.

We'll just slip quietly away.

I love a sunburnt country
An American bombing range
The old land of the gum tree
How very sad and strange

Let me tell you; if Australia hadn't gone forth and faced the enemy in 1942 you'd all be eating with chopsticks now!

How will we know when the war on terror has been won?

That will be when we're able to do whatever we like to people anywhere in the world and they'll just lie there and take it without complaining.

WILD SCENES AT BRIGHTON HAT SHOP

Special forces riot police wer unable to subdue a Toorak woman who is currently holdin gthem at bay in a milliner's shop in Melbourne's south-eastern suburbs. The incident developed after Quarantine and Customs officials, acting on a bird-flu tipoff, attempted to sieze a feather hat being made for Mrs. Pussington-Bigge of Toorak by her new milliner, Basil of Brighton. Capsicum spray and high pressure fire hoses were no match for the wrath of the irate society matron who has taken refuge on the roof of the exclusive bayside boutique.
Last night, illuminated by police spotlights, a defiant Pussington-Bigge could be seen clutching the large, crumpled hat as she sat astride a gargoyle demanding to see her astrologer.
Basil of Brighton is believed to be under sedation and several special squad members have received counselling after being treated for shock and facial scratches.
A witness reports that the sounds coming from the shop were "awesome and electrifying". A reliable source from South Yarra is quoted as saying, "don't worry, Pussington-Bigge will be at Flemington on Tuesday as usual, she'll be gorgeous, radiant and fabulous; you can bet on it".

With her crumpled hat clutched in her hand and a scary gargoyle between her legs, Mrs Pussington-Bigge sits defiantly astride the roof of the Brighton hat shop.

Highlights from the 2005 FESTIVAL OF ALANS OCT 28 - NOV 3

IT'S TIME ONCE AGAIN TO CELEBRATE ALL MEN NAMED ALAN.

OCT 28
THE PARADE OF ALANS

OCT 29
OPEN AIR THANKSGIVING FOR ALAN SERVICE INCLUDING THE BLESSING OF ALANS BY THE ARCHBISHOP

OCT 30
"TAKE HOME AN ALAN DAY."

OCT 31
THE CHAIN OF ALANS. ALANS WILL JOIN HANDS AND CIRCLE THE CITY IN A HUMAN CHAIN TO CREATE THE FAMOUS "ALAN ENERGY AURA".

NOV 1-3
THREE DAY FUN FILLED FINALE, THE ALAN STAMPEDE RAVE PARTY. THREE DAYS AND NIGHTS OF ALANS DOING THEIR OWN THING - FREE FORMING IT AT THE SHOWGROUNDS TO EXPRESS "THE SPIRIT OF ALAN".

OH LOVELY SPRING

Oh lovely spring,
You're so left-wing;
Of that we can be sure;
The sense you make,
For heaven's sake,
Is so opposed to war.

WAR ON TERROR LATEST TRAVEL WARNINGS

"THERE ARE TWO SIDES TO EVERY STORY"
DON'T GO THERE!

"THE CURE IS WORSE THAN THE DISEASE"
DON'T GO THERE!

"DO UNTO OTHERS..."
DON'T GO THERE!

"WAR IS THE MAD TYRANT"
DON'T GO THERE!

FREEDOM F.A.Q.

Q. HOW IS FREEDOM BEING PROTECTED?

A. IT HAS BEEN LOCKED IN A STEEL CONTAINER WHERE NOBODY CAN GET AT IT

Q. WHAT IF THE SKY FALLS IN AND CRUSHES THE STEEL CONTAINER?

A. WE'VE ALREADY THOUGHT OF THAT AND HAVE PLACED THE STEEL CONTAINER IN AN UNDERGROUND CONCRETE BUNKER.

Q. YES BUT WHAT HAPPENS IF THERE'S AN EARTHQUAKE OR MOLTEN LAVA SEEPS UP INTO THE BUNKER?

A. IN THAT CASE TROOPS WILL BE MOBILISED AND THE SUBURBS WILL BE LOCKED DOWN.

Q. YES BUT WHAT IF THERE'S A TSUNAMI AND THE TROOPS GET BIRD FLU... WHO'S GOING TO LOCK DOWN THE SUBURBS THEN?

A. WE'VE THOUGHT OF THAT AND IT'S ALL UNDER CONTROL.

OH JOYOUS PRAISE.

Oh joyous praise and love to thee;
So innocent and football free;
To give thy sacred Saturday
To flowers fish and birds at play
And wandering gently in the sun;
What need hast thou to know who won;
So innocent and football free;
Oh joyous praise and love to thee.

THE BEAZLEY CAR CLUB OF AUSTRALIA
hereby denounces the vicious rumours being circulated about this fine vehicle.

WE REMIND THE AUSTRALIAN PUBLIC
1 The BEAZLEY has a fantastic horn.
2 Comfortable upholstery
3 It has an engine, A spare tyre, a jack and a tow rope as standard equipment.

N.B. Easy to park.

It had been another sad and terrible week...

...but the life coach (the grey shrike thrush) arrived on the doorstep.

WHAT NOW LIFE COACH..?
WHAT CAN BE DONE?

REALLY?
DO YOU THINK SO?
IS IT POSSIBLE?

YES! YES!
OF COURSE...YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT!

It didn't take long.
THANKS LIFE COACH...THANKYOU SO MUCH.

Muslim, Hindu, Chinese, African and Australian values.

AUSTRALIAN MATESHIP and the use of the word "Mate"

Excuse me mate, could you spare a couple of dollars for a cup of coffee...

SORRY MATE...

All my blokes and good blokes... who won't come to heel... and toe the party line... will be KNEECAPPED

Should we adopt a shoot-to-kill policy towards suspected evil doers?

..it's an interesting idea but it might be simpler just to vote them out of office...

TOTAL SECURITY!

Be safe. Catch the NUDE BUS. No hidden bombs.

...of course this doesn't mean that the terrorists have won...

...That's when a woman in New York...

...a man in Hobart...

...a child in Oslo

...a canary in Milan

...an old lady in Peru, a dolphin off the coast of Madagascar...

...all share the same anxiety and the same despair for the same reason at the same time.

THE DAILY HORN

MAJOR CRACKS APPEARING IN EVERYTHING

In a mad modern world an old-fashioned sanity can be an embarrassment and a liability.

So slow.
So cumbersome.
Constant maintenance.
Spare parts are difficult to find.

And even if you've got one in working order, what can you do with it? Not much it seems.

There's little call for it these days and no wonder; its GENERAL IMCOMPATIBILITY has caused it to become AN INCONVENIENCE!

Enthusiasts keep on with it, just for the sheer pleasure. Some of them dream of a revival.

They think it could be worth something one day. That's a FORLORN HOPE.

Oh dear - I'm feeling all globalised...

HOW SO?

I don't feel like me any more - I feel like everybody: I feel like nobody in particular. I feel global.

..And this room: it doesn't feel like somewhere. It feels like anywhere; it feels like everywhere! It feels like nowhere in particular.

That's A STRANGE THING TO FEEL.

It doesn't feel like a strange thing. It feels just like everything else. It feels like anything. It feels like nothing. It's a global feeling.

DO YOU THINK KEN'S CONSTIPATION WILL END HAPPILY?

The ending is unimportant; what matters most is the sheer drama of his difficult and lonely situation.

Peace is my drug.
It stops the pain.
In safe reflecting rooms
Or in a lane
Or in a park
I will lie
And have some peace
And get high.
If it's pure
And there's lots of it about
I overdose
And pass out
And dream of peace:
My favorite thing,
When nobody wants me
And nothing's happening

Sold ... for one million dollars:
the telephone that Russell threw at the concierge...

Go down on your knees if you can..

...and see the little person who's been waiting patiently -

Waiting for you to look down.

Come close now, see clearly.

See the tender little soul - so perfectly true.

Now at last - on your knees - you understand the most important thing of all.

Dear John,

Remember the night we sent the white powder to the Iraqis in Baghdad? Here's the souvenir postcard. What a great night!

Your ol' mate George.

So you take this wire from the battery... and you attach it to the timing device right there... then you get this wire and connect it to the detonator like so... and hey presto, you're ready to rcok and roll...

Wow Angela
That's awesome...

Cool

TORTURE

There once was a man who was tortured to death,
And as he lay dying he took a deep breath,
And cried to his far-away father and mother,
"Oh why did we all have to torture each other?"

"And why did we have such a torturous life?"
He groaned as he turned to his poor, tortured wife;
Who gave her reply with a petulant pout,
"I really don't know what you're talking about!"

"And why did I torture myself even more?"
He cried to his little white duck on the floor,
Which quackled forgiveness and offered a shrug
And did the small blessing of ducks on the rug.

The Two Depressing Things.

A most depressing thing occurs
But no one minds and no one stirs;
Which means you've ended up with two
Depressing things depressing you.

There comes a moment when all the cables, leads, battery chargers and power adaptors we have ever owned, gather together and assemble themselves around us and ask the terrible question, "WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO YOUR LIFE?"

CLEARANCE - EVERYTHING MUST GO!

90th ANNIVERSARY ANZAC SOUVENIRS
"RUBBISH of GALLIPOLI" MEDALLIONS
CRAFTED FROM GENUINE 90th ANNIVERSARY ANZAC COVE PARTY LITTER

SALE

CHEAP - OUT THEY GO!

FRAMED "STAYIN' ALIVE" LYRICS
"Life goin' nowhere.
somebody help me.
Somebody help me, yeah.
Life goin' nowwhere.
somebody help me.
Somebody help me, yeah.
stayin' alive."
-"Stayin' Alive" The Bee Gees.

FAIR DINKUM AUSSIE DIGGER POSTERS CHEAP!

HOW TO MAKE FOX SOUP

You will need:- one old fox.

Three large, woody turnips.

Snip whiskers off fox and put aside.

Place fox and turnips in a cauldron and simmer for two days.

Strain liquid and serve in a bowl or deep dish.

Garnish with whiskers.

N.B. THIS SOUP MAKES YOU VERY CLEVER

AROMATHERAPIES - TRIED AND TRUE

Essence of fish and chips

essence of shoe polish

essence of wheat bag

essence of wet dog

essence of burnt toast

essence of Saturday afternoon

essence of clean sheets

essence of sweetheart

Souvenirs of the Pope

Souvenirs of God

YET ANOTHER PICTURE WITH THE WRONG CAPTION

Increasing numbers of children in Iraq do not have enough food to eat and more than a quarter are chronically undernourished, a UN report says. Malnutrition rates in children under five have almost doubled since the US-led intervention - to nearly 8% by the end of last year, it says. UN specialist on hunger Jean Ziegler, who prepared the report, blames the worsening situation in Iraq on the war led by coalition forces.

- News Report

THE WAR AGAINST TERROR
2000 years ago
(MIDDLE EAST)

Journalist, commentator, columnist

Best and finest special forces liberator

BAD GUY

Journalism, comment, analysis

"High-value" prisoner with suspected "links"

Hand wringer

Wet leftie

Bleeding heart

Fabric design for a new social fabric

Always look on the bright side

VOX POP

"Should politicans be tortured to make them tell the truth"?

Dave. (waiter) Manly NSW.
"I don't condone torture but I think the idea of interviewing them with electric wires attached to their private parts has some merit. Also, the concept of the Prime Minister and his cohorts in a nude human pyramid is fairly repugnant, but it could reveal some very interesting information"

Fiona. (psychologist) Carlton VIC
"...I'm all for it. It wouldn't make them tell the truth, nothing would, but it would be nice to torture them just for the sheer pleasure of it. If I saw our political leaders in a nude human pyramid I'd take my hat pin and start jabbing it, as fast as I could, into all those hideous, pink, Anglo, born-to-rule bottoms. I couldn't resist!"

Wendy. (designer) Sydney
"...what a fabulous concept. Yes, I like it. Definitely. I can just see it: Howard, Downer and Ruddock all naked and stacked on top of each other: a nude human pyramid. How wonderfully revolting. The trouble is they'd probably love it."

Dave. (waiter) Manly NSW.
"...it's me again. I forgot to mention something. Well... when we've got them on the nude human pyramid, we should throw some nude media people on the heap too and watch what they all get up to. It could be fascinating. I just wanted to add that extra bit because it's very important - it's icing on the cake. Thankyou."

BASIC PRINCIPLES OF GOAT HUSBANDRY

Was it on your wedding day that you first though your husband was a goat?

-- that you had married into a family of goats?

Or was it on your wedding night that you found him on top of the wardrobe butting his horns at the light bulb?

Or was it the arrival of the first child that confirmed your suspicions?

Or was it when your clothing began to disappear?

[Have you seen my pyjamas anywhere? Oh dear, I'm sorry: I think I ate them.]

Goats are difficult, certainly, but cheer up,-- goats are good and honest too; they mean well; they are funny, courageous and loving. Better to be married to a goat than a fox!

VOX POP

"Should politicans be tortured to make them tell the truth"?

Dave. (waiter) Manly NSW.
"...I don't condone torture but I think the idea of interviewing them with electric wires attached to their private parts has some merit. Also, the concept of Howard, Downer and Ruddock in a nude human pyramid is fairly repugnant, but it could reveal some interesting information"

Fiona. (psychologist) Carlton VIC
"...I'm all for it. It wouldn't make them tell the truth, nothing would, but it would be nice to torture them just for the pleasure of it. If I saw Howard, Downer and Ruddock in a nude human pyramid I'd take my hat pin and start jabbing into all those bottoms... I couldn't resist"

Wendy. (designer) Sydney
"...what a fabulous concept. Yes, I like it. Definitely. I can just see it: Howard, Downer and Ruddock all naked and stacked on top of each other: a nude human pyramid. How wonderfully revolting. The trouble is they'd probably love it."

Dave. (waiter) Manly NSW.
"...it's me again. I forgot to mention the bit about bestial acts. Well... when we've got them on the nude pyramid, we should make them simulate bestial acts too. I just wanted to make that clear. That's all. Thankyou."

HISTORY IN THE MAKING AND THE HORROR OF WAR

This artist's sketch shows how JOHN FARNHAM tried to get ashore at GALLIPOLI but was cut down by the sturdy NEW ZEALAND defenders.

John Winston Howard watches action through his field glasses from battle cruiser

Catering, sound guys, roadies, P.R. guys, film crew

The piano (Jane Campion)

Helen Clarke

Good shot Helen...
...right in the balls!
(Possibly Sam Neil or Tim Finn.)

Haka person

JOHN FARNHAM GOES DOWN!

The legend grows.

MAKE SECURITY A PRIORITY!

As you know, miniature enemy frogmen have infiltrated our water pipes, sewers and drains in preparation for a major terror attack on Australia. These tiny evil killers are already in the pipes of your home waiting for a signal to attack. It could be when you are in the shower, the pool or on the toilet! Don't take any chances. Invest now in the new

MINI-FROGMAN ELIMINATOR

The MFE detects and removes mini-frogmen in a simple, novel and hygenic action which combines conventional 4-stroke technology with the latest hydraulic laser principles. Protect your family and send for our free brochure today.

Freedom is on the march

...and greed is playing the drums...

We had to get rid of the Latham...
Great vehicle, great acceleration... until some idiot put sugar in the petrol tank. Blew the head gasket! So we went looking for a new set of wheels.

We looked at the Rudd.
We looked at the Gillard.
Both very nice... but not much is known about either of them. We got confused.

Of course we'd love to find another Whitlam
or a Hawke
... or a Keating.

... but then we remembered the old Beazley in grandpa's shed. We pumped up the tyres, filled the tank with kerosene and roll started it backwards down the drive. The old donk erupted into life! Sure it's done a few miles... burns a bit of oil... But it's FREE! and it's got an AMAZING horn!

SACRED TEXT FOR THE DAY

"...this war is just because Saddam Hussein should be disarmed of his weapons of mass destruction."
John Howard 2003

"...the efforts being taken by the coalition to avoid civilian casualties is quite unprecedented."
John Howard 2003

"The invasion of Iraq in March 2003 by coalition forces has led to the death of at least 100,000 civilians."
The Lancet 2004

Prime Minister John Howard today refused to express any regret about going to war in Iraq, despite the official US report which found no evidence Saddam Hussein produced any weapons of mass destruction after 1991.
News report. 2005

"All of you, clothe yourselves with humility toward one another, because, God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble." - 1 Peter 5:5
Recent public bible reading by John Howard 2005

...and finally Professor, has the tsunami created any tsilly tsubconscious tside effects in tsome tsections of tsociety?

I'd tsuggest that it's tstill too tsoon to tsay for tsure...

GLADYS and WILLIAM's WORLD OF TAXIDERMY

DOOM AND GLOOM

There are not too many people in the world right now Gladys, who can go home at the end of the day happy in the knowledge that everything is completely stuffed.

CAUTION

Philosopher at work.

Major thought under construction.